Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Truth about My God-Shaped Hole

It seems that no matter where we go, the truth seems to follow us. Who we are. Where we come from. Who our parents are. If I haven't heard, "Aren't you Tony Lawson's girl?" a million times! Truth is, that even though I am indeed Tony Lawson's daughter, I have an even greater Father. I decided to trust in Him in 1995.

I was a student at Erskine College. I was finishing up the semester of student teaching. Until a couple years prior, I was living the life of a Latter-day Saint. Mormon, to lay folk. But something about that life did not ring true with me, no matter which way I looked at it. So, I walked away, leaving a hole in my life. A God-shaped hole. 

The mathematician, Blaise Pascal, said, "What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself."

Gosh, at the time, I was lost, trying to fill the God-shaped hole. And I had no clue what to fill it with. It was at that time, that I heard a story about a school for children with disabilities where the children waited daily for Jesus' return. As a special education major, that story touched me greatly, and I realized that I believed in my heart that Jesus would return for those children. And since those children, so blameless in my sight, were saved, didn't Jesus come for sinners?
In Mark 2:17, Jesus says, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."

In the number of all of the people on earth, I would rank right up there with those who are sinful. Is not hate the same as murder? (Matthew 5:22; 1 John 3:15) I don't even want to think of the situations in life where I felt hatred. And I don't want to go further in my many, many sins.
I came to a realization that night: Jesus came for me as a sinner. And if he came for me as a sinner, then I had a life to live for Him.

In the past seventeen or so years since that life-changing evening, I have fallen more times than I can count. There have been many times that I have walked away. But like the prodigal son, God has brought me back, prepared a feast, and blessed me in ways unimaginable.

The truth? I'm a daughter of God. I'm imperfect, sinful, neglectful of my duties as the daughter. I don't clean my rooms as I should, don't study when I need to, argue and bicker with my brothers and sisters, throw temper tantrums, and show up late for curfew. But much like the bad rebellious actions of my children are forgotten quickly, my Father in heaven is "faithful and just to forgive [me my] sins and to cleanse [me] from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)
So, I've filled that God shaped hole, and though my sins be many, He washes them away.

1 comment:

  1. Amanda,
    If you follow Christ with a child like faith... we will see the world with simplicity. Continue your journey as a life long learner so that you may be a leader not a stumbling block. I rejoice with you in your journey and pray that you continue with a humble heart.
    Mrs. Puryear